Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
