Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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