I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
