I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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