Soap is not a condiment
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
