I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
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I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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