omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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