Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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