I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
