I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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