So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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