waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
