I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
