Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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