My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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