If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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