Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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