You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
