come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?