at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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