My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
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WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
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Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.