i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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