Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
