just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
