the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
