I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
