I hate all girls vehemently.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
