I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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