Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
