The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
someone owes me an orgasm
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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