I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
