i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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