I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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