I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
