you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
