just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
