I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
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