I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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