I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
