You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
i need some magic done to my vagina
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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