Your face is a jimmy john
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
