If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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