yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he wants to bone in the snuggie
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
