$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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