Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
