Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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