Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
