I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
