I love black thongs
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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