They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
