my text book just quoted the cookie monster
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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