Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
sarcasm needs its own font
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
