apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
