bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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