i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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