She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
