Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I am midnight drunk by noon
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
