Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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