First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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