Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
